Thankful Day 9: My Man

Today I am going to be sappy and mushy and kind of gross! Today I am thankful for N. Well I am thankful for him every day but today I am writing about him. I pray before I go to bed, I pray and ask God for the wisdom and the strength to carry on and make good choices and to just be myself and be the best I can be. I used to end every prayer with please let me find a man that will accept me for me and not hit me or beat me and won't try to change me. N is that man that I have been praying for! :)

Oh my gosh I'm sure I sound super cheesy and lame when I say that but I'm serious. Today I want to write about why I am so thankful that God put this wonderful man into my life. For some reason this week hasn't been the best, Tuesday wasn't too bad, when he came up and saw me, I had so much fun and felt so happy! He lives about an hour from me so he drove an hour up to see me and then took me to dinner and spent time with me! It was so wonderful! I had so much fun! It's always like that when we are together, we laugh and smile and talk about anything and everything.

I was really stressed because I'm having a hard time finding a job and accidentally started to turn a little bit bitchy, I was being mean and snappy and I didn't mean to be, but he was trying to tell me that everything would be okay. And I know that he means the best and that he wanted me to look at the bright side and stop letting things get me down, but damn it! I just couldn't. He has a job, it's easy for him to say things like that, and I was getting so frustrated with him. Unlike anyone I've ever known this man stuck with me and pushed and wouldn't let me bully him around. He talked me down from a place that I haven't been in a long time. I was ready to get out of the car and start bashing my head on the ground that's how upset I was.

Then he did something that once again shocked me.. he told me he would help me. I'm so used to my family and people telling me to figure things out and do it on my own that when he said he would help me I was blown away. I was upset because one of the only places I think I can get a job is in another city about 20 mins away, that's not really the problem, the problem is that I can't come up with the gas money to drive back and forth until I start getting paid. He told me to apply, he said that he would make sure I have the money to drive back and forth and make it to work so that I can get a job..

I know it doesn't sound like much, but in that moment, in that moment sitting there, looking at him, wanting to scream and cry because I was so upset, in that moment I fell in love with N. I fell in love with this man who goes above and beyond for me every day. I fell in love with someone who treats me better than I could have ever asked. I am thankful for God answering my prayer and giving me this man that I fell in love with.

Shoes

I am in a writing mood! I decided to go back and write a little something about all of the writing prompt that Josie gives us! It was Two Shoes Tuesday from September 4th! The day before my birthday!! Yay!! The writing prompt for that week was SHOES!!

I don't even have to think about this one. It's not really a story, just random things that come into my mind when I think of shoes. And I guess the only thing I think of when I think of shoes.. "Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes." I don't know about you, but I grew up with my mom drilling that into my head. When I saw the prompt was shoes once again that line popped into my head..

A couple weeks ago me and N were bored and were playing 20 questions.. I know seems silly, but we had nothing else to do and it's a good way to get to know each other just a little bit better. I asked him the question if he could trade places with anyone for a day who would it be?? He was messing around, I don't think he realized how serious I meant that question to be, I think he answered with something like Brantley Gilbert, or Carrie Underwood's husband or something like that.. I can't remember to be honest..

This story has a point I promise! He turned around and asked me the same question.. I answered with a homeless man. He just couldn't understand why I would trade places with a homeless man, that made no sense to him what so ever.. Then I explained...

I am actually quite a judgemental person. I don't mean to be, but I am. And I know I have no room to judge others, but for some reason I do.. and I don't know why but I do, I don't know their past, or what they have been through, and hell they don't know my past either. I would want to change places with a homeless man so I know what it is like to have absolutely nothing to my name. I think I have it bad now, and I complain a lot, but I have no idea how bad some people have it. There are people out there who wonder every single day if they are going to get food, or have a place to sleep, or if anyone loves them. These are all things I take for granted, I know that I have food, and I know I have a roof over my head and a place to sleep, and I know for a fact that I have people who love me. They remind me every single day. I want to walk a mile in a homeless mans shoes, not only so that I can understand how good I actually have it, but also so that for one day, even just one short day, someone can know the love I feel on a daily basis.

Thankful For Life

This month is November and everyone is doing Thankful Day        and they are putting the day of the month it is. I think this is a fantastic idea, unfortunately it is now day 8 and I am 8 days behind. But I figured its better late than never right?! So today I am going to just say that I am thankful for life. I may not be the most mentally stable person you will ever meet, but I am definitely thankful for the life I have been given and the chances I have been given to be here and still be alive. My life has came close to ending too many times for me to count being this young.. not many people my age have been through half the stuff that I have, but that's okay, I don't really mind. It was a learning opportunity and it led me to the place that I am today. And am I ever glad to be in the spot that I am in. I have a man that thinks the world of me and treats me like a princess, he thinks that the sun shines out my ass no matter what mood I'm in.. I have a man who is willing to do whatever it takes to make me happy and to show me that not all guys are pigs that hit woman.

Not only do I have N in my life but I have his family as well. His family is the most accepting bunch of people I have ever met and I am so thankful to have them in my life. Today I posted a status about my mail box looking empty and if my family wanted to send me food it would be much appreciated.. N's mom R commented on my status and said "I will mail you some food what do you want and what is your address? :)" This made me the happiest girl in the world. I kid you not there is not a girl in this world who was happier than me at the moment of reading that. I texted N and told him I loved his mom and he goes "you know she's your mom now too, and she loves you and wants you to be happy" well guess what it worked!! I was, and I am so thankful they are part of my family.

As far as family goes I don't have much, I have my mom but we don't really get along, and I have my sister but she lives in Alaska and I don't get to see her. And I have K, K is a lady I started babysitting for and she is as close to the real deal that I have. I can talk to her about anything and I know she will understand and listen and not judge me and help me make decisions with a smart mind. I am thankful she is in my life!! When I first started dating N she was the first person I wanted him to meet. I was so glad when she told me she liked him.

I am thankful for the life I have been given to life, and I hope that I make Him happy by living the way He thinks I should.

Choices

Today is Thursday.. which means Two Shoes Tuesday has come and gone. I wasn't going to post anything about the word prompt that was given. It was "Choices" and I have made so many terrible choices and very few good ones, and honestly it has been a rough week for me and I wasn't ready to go back to that part of my life. Then I was going through my old Facebook photos and albums while I was in class (clearly not paying attention) and had come to a folder labeled 'Inspiration :)' I had totally forgetton about this folder. The one where I had put pictures of quote after quote after quote to help me through what had to be the hardest time in my life. I came acrossed this one and decided that I was going to write a blog anyways..

 

The three C's of life.. wow. These simple little words on that picture have never been more honest.. it's so true! When I was trying to leave J I had to make a CHOICE to take a CHANCE to get away from him if I ever wanted my life to CHANGE. If I ever wanted him to stop hitting me and beating me and threatening my life.. then I needed to make the choice to leave him. And boy was that the scariest thing I've ever done in my life..

 

The choices to make myself a better person and be happy don't end there though, now I have this wonderful man N in my life. And saying he is absolutely amazing and wonderful and sweet and kind and great, does not even begin to describe him. But I have to make the choice.. the choice to take a chance to let this man into my heart and change my life. But will he change my life for good??? Is he going to leave and hurt me??? Will he stay and love me and treat me like the princess he says I am??? I have to make this choice... and right now, the choice is clear. I let him in and I continue to make myself better, and I continue to make the right choices to take chances that will change my life forever!

 

 

 

"I'm Fine"

"I'm fine." Those two words seem to be coming out of my mouth a lot lately.. funny thing is, that's the most common lie.. someone just saying, "I'm fine." More often than not I am not fine when I say this, but it helps. I'm that person that is always strong no matter what. I don't break down, I keep my head up and keep a smile on my face even when I don't want to.

I think my problem is I don't like talking about things, even when I know the person really wants to talk to me and fix what ever it is that I am upset about. The only thing is that more often than not it's something silly and I feel like I shouldn't be upset about it and I don't want to bother someone, or burden someone with my silly problems.

For example; everyday this week I have needed N, and he doesn't live near me so he can't be here when I need him. And I understand that, but it's been an off week so far and the fact that I can't see him when I want to or need to just makes it worse.. And I'm trying so hard not to take it out on him, I knew that he didn't live near me when we started dating and I knew it would be hard sometimes, but I just feel like everything that could go wrong this week has, and I want more than anything else to just curl up in his arms and have him tell me everything is going to be okay. But I can't have that and it is driving me crazy.

Then on top of that I feel like I lost part of my family and it is tearing a hole in my heart that hurts so bad sometimes I have to stop what I'm doing to try and make myself feel better. It's terrible, but once again.. all I say is "I'm fine." I don't want people worrying about me, and I don't want to make anyone upset, so I just say that instead of talking about what is really bothering me. Oh well, I'm sure as time goes on I will get better at it, especially with the way N pushes me to tell him things. He hates when I shut him out, he doesn't care if its something big or small, he wants to help me fix it. I feel so lucky to have him in my life!

Trust

Came across this photo and was shocked at how incredibly true it is! The sad thing is that even if it's someone else it's still hard to trust them because all you can think about is how they might hurt you.. In my case I can't seem to get over the fact that even though N and J are two completely different people, J really hurt me, and I keep expecting N to do the exact same thing. Makes it really hard to trust someone. But what's trust without a little bit a faith?? Earlier I posted that people need to spend every day as if it is their last and live in the moment. It's kind of the same thing with trust as well, you can't judge everyone on the mistakes that one person made, and you can't punish the person you're with now because of something someone else did. I'm trying to give N the benefit of the doubt and I gave him all my trust, but that leaves me feeling all vulnerable and scared. This whole being with someone and feeling happy is a new feeling that scares the crap out of me. But I've already gone there and blogged about that so I won't do that!

I guess what this completely pointless blog was about was that yes trust is like paper and once it is crumpled it can't be perfect. But only with that person. You need to take a leap of faith and trust the people that haven't given you a reason not to. If you look for things to go wrong things will go wrong and get turned upside down. You need to look toward positive things, keep your head up and try your hardest to keep a smile on your face! :)

Changed Layout

I hope that my new blue background is a little bit easier to see and read. I was told by someone that having a black background with white text is hell on the eyes and give people super bad headaches. Sorry about that, didn't realize the effect it would have! I hope that this is a little bit more easy on the eyes and y'all keep reading! Thank you!