"I'm fine." Those two words seem to be coming out of my mouth a lot lately.. funny thing is, that's the most common lie.. someone just saying, "I'm fine." More often than not I am not fine when I say this, but it helps. I'm that person that is always strong no matter what. I don't break down, I keep my head up and keep a smile on my face even when I don't want to.
I think my problem is I don't like talking about things, even when I know the person really wants to talk to me and fix what ever it is that I am upset about. The only thing is that more often than not it's something silly and I feel like I shouldn't be upset about it and I don't want to bother someone, or burden someone with my silly problems.
For example; everyday this week I have needed N, and he doesn't live near me so he can't be here when I need him. And I understand that, but it's been an off week so far and the fact that I can't see him when I want to or need to just makes it worse.. And I'm trying so hard not to take it out on him, I knew that he didn't live near me when we started dating and I knew it would be hard sometimes, but I just feel like everything that could go wrong this week has, and I want more than anything else to just curl up in his arms and have him tell me everything is going to be okay. But I can't have that and it is driving me crazy.
Then on top of that I feel like I lost part of my family and it is tearing a hole in my heart that hurts so bad sometimes I have to stop what I'm doing to try and make myself feel better. It's terrible, but once again.. all I say is "I'm fine." I don't want people worrying about me, and I don't want to make anyone upset, so I just say that instead of talking about what is really bothering me. Oh well, I'm sure as time goes on I will get better at it, especially with the way N pushes me to tell him things. He hates when I shut him out, he doesn't care if its something big or small, he wants to help me fix it. I feel so lucky to have him in my life!
Being strong doesn't mean keeping everything inside.
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"I'm fine" is perhaps the greatest lie we all tell. It really means "I'm not fine, but I don't have the trust/energy/desire to tell you all about it, or maybe you wouldn't really even care if I did". "I'm fine" is just so much simpler and easier. The important thing is not to lie to ourselves! Just as my beloved Monkey said above, being strong doesn't mean keeping everything inside. Maybe that's what N is encouraging you to experience, the strength and healing that can take plac when you open up and share with someone you trust! You spent a long time not being able to be anything but "Fine" to the outside world, so it's going to take time to let those defenses down. I think blogging will help, we all share our problems and our weaknesses here, sometimes we appear anything but fine. At the hardest times in my life I probably seemed like an emotional basketcase to my fellow bloggers, but they stood by me, and we will stand by you! On the other hand you are "Ok" and it's ok to say that! You are doing ok because you are getting thru life, moving forward one day and one step at a time. Learning to love and laugh again, having faith and hope. I see you as very much ok, even if there is a great deal of healing to yet work out. Life is a work in progress!
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