Moving..

Five months... that's how much longer I have in this state if I am lucky! I have never been more excited for anything in my life!! I feel terrible because that would mean leaving N behind but I've wanted this for a very long time, and I have always been told not to change my life around for a guy... I mean it will suck, but if he wants to.. once I get settled in and we see how things would work, he is more than welcome to come follow me.. when he is ready. But I would feel so bad, I know for a fact he doesn't want to leave this state.. and Kansas (which is where I am moving to) is like 13 hours away from where we live.. I KNOW that man does NOT want to move 13 hours away from his family. I know because he has told me over and over and over again that he doesn't want to leave.

I won't lie I feel really confused.. I had planned on moving after Spring semester for months now.. and then I met N. And he is sweet, and kind, and generous, and amazing.. and I wasn't supposed to get attached to anyone. I wasn't supposed to meet anyone, I wasn't supposed to fall for him... and now.. now I have to pick between my dream and the man I have fallen for..? Why is this fair???? I've talked to him quite a few times about it and he says that I should go, he says he  knows it's what I want but that he really doesn't want me to go. He says he won't beg me to stay, that it's not fair to me... but part of me wants me to stay for him...???? And I really really don't get that.. I want to move. I want to get out of this state.. I want to leave.. and start over and live a life that I've always wanted to live.. I just don't know what to do?? I wasn't supposed to get attached, and honestly my plan was to not talk to anyone, meet anyone, date anyone or be with anyone... ugh!!! What the heck???

Thankful Day 21

I know I haven't been doing these every day, but I would have to say I don't think I could be more thankful than I am right now! I am sitting in N's room, watching Hancock while he is at work.. I know it soudns so lame, but really I just feel so lucky! I am more blessed than some people, for instance my feet hit the ground this morning, I have a roof over my head, and I have family and friends who love me.. I was sitting here talking to N's roommate and was just thinking how lucky I am!!

Today just feels like the perfect day and nothing can go wrong! Now don't get me wrong, I know that isn't the case, it never works like that, but that's okay! Today I am taking N's little sister R to see the newest Twilight movie, and we are going to go to lunch, and then back to their parents house to hang out until they get home! I am so excited, not to see the movie exactly but that I have been blessed to have a boyfriend whose family actually wants to spend time with me.. granted I couldn't take her if it wasn't for N so I have to make sure to thank him because I don't have enough money to go to lunch and a movie, but that's just one more thing to be thankful for! I know it doesn't seem like much, but I was in a writing mood, and I'm also in a very chipper happy mood!

Just remember: God took time to wake you up this morning, take the time to thank him!

Thanksgiving??

Wow, I haven't written any thing in a long long time.. I just can't seem to get my thoughts in order.. There is so much going on that this will probably be really long and go off in all sorts of different directions.. I'll try to keep it at least sort of understanable, but then again this is my blog...soooo maybe I won't.

Guess I'll get right down to what's on my mind this exact moment and it's Thanksgiving!! Yayy!!! I absolutely LOVE this holiday.. I love everything about it. I love the way people tend to be nicer to each other, and treat everyone else a little bit better. I love the food and cooking the food, let's be honest that's probably the best part. All the food! And my dad taught me how to cook so I get to cook dinner and I love it! So basically yes, in case you were wondering there isn't much I don't like about this holiday! EXCEPT the stupid ass black friday that comes after it! I hate that!!! And every year it creeps up, its earlier and earlier and earlier! This holiday is about giving thanks and being with family and watching football.. but noooo this year I've seen commercials for stores that are starting at 6 am THURSDAY morning!! Are you kidding me?!?! Please, I'm begging you, please tell me that I heard that wrong.. I need to know that this holiday hasn't become more about just shopping and getting material items on sale..? Even though things like that does bother me I am still very excited for Thanksgiving.. I am spending the actual day with N's family, which just makes me the most excited person there can possibly be! These people love me and I love them! They have welcomed me in with open arms and I have never felt more welcome in a family before.. not even my own. I'm really really excited that for once I will actually spend a Thanksgiving Thursday not cooking. I know, I know, what you're thinking.. "but you said you like to cook?!" Yes I know, and that's true, but N is cooking, what can get better than that??? A whole lot of nothing! I'm going to spend bonding time with his momma and sisters while he does all of the work! Now isn't that just great?? I think so! Then we are going down to my mom's house and I'm going to be making dinner on Saturday for my whole family while he gets to sit around and have bonding time with my family! I think they are just going to love him!! Or at least I really hope so! Fingers crossed. Through all this I'll try and forget about everyone just wanting material things for half the price and enjoy my time with family! I'm really trying here.

I lost my train of thought and now I'm just no longer in the mood for writing.. Can't figure out what seems to be wrong with me these days, but at least I got a chance to get out some of my feelings..

Losing Faith In Humanity

So I have a Twitter, no shock there I'm a college student staying up to date on all these social networks! Of course I have a Twitter.. well earlier this morning I was on and a girl had asked if we would all pray for her, she found out she had breast cancer.. so of course everyone that I follow and that follows her was like oh yes! Pray for her, I mean who wouldn't?! This is a serious and scary disease that a lot of people, and even me and my family have suffered from. A lot of people have lost lives and had their life changed completely because of this disease.

The reason I am upset and shocked is because it turned out she only lied about having breast cancer so that she could gain more followers. I'm sure a lot of people on Twitter fake stuff and pretend to be someone they are not, especially people who hide behind "anon" accounts. If you aren't into the whole Twitter world an anon account it someone who is anonymous, they post about their lives and such but no one knows who they really are, and they don't have pictures of themselves up.

So like I said it doesn't surprise me that someone lied, I'm sure a bunch of people do, a couple of months ago a girl faked being in a deadly car accident, and two weeks before that someone faked their brother's suicide. So I'm not shocked that she lied, I'm just upset because breast cancer is such an important issue in my family. I have aunts that have it, I could have it, my sister could have it, my mother could have it. It runs in my family and is a serious issue.. I think this one just hit closer to home, and I wish that people would just take life as it is. Bad shit happens to people all the time, why do you need the attention so much that you need to fake something like this???? It's such a serious topic and it's so wide spread.. why would you joke about it??? I think I'm losing my faith in humanity :(

Differences?! and Ramblings..

So I was talking to N this weekend and it seems like everything I say he is the opposite, I know they say opposites attract but at what point is different just too different??

I know that part of the reason this is bothering me so much is because of the fact that I'm in full blown bitch mode and I'm pushing him away, and another reason is because I'm PMSing (I know TMI lol) but I seriously feel like it's everything I say he has a comment to come back with. I feel like we have been at each others throats all weekend. I hope that this next week and a half that I don't see him I can take a step back and take the couple of deep breaths to get my shit together and stop being like this. I'm not even sure if this is something I should tell him or talk to him about...?? Maybe he doesn't realize he's doing it, or maybe I'm doing what I always do and over reacting to the situations.. I need time to just take a step back and breathe. I'm trying.. I really really am.

On another note I found out that I can withdraw from a class that I desperately need to get out of. I didn't realize it was going to be this hard when I started taking this class, and I probably should have taken a computer class before I took this one.. oh the class that I'm talking about is a Information Security class. It's all online and it all has to do with computers and therefore since I know nothing about computers I feel really confused most of the time while I am reading and trying to do my homework. Anyways the deadline to withdraw from classes was November 1st, well by that time I had only had that class once or twice since it started mid semester and I didn't realize how hard it would be. I called and found out that I can indeed withdraw and it won't affect my financial aide or anything else for that matter. I'm extremely excited about this because I'm sure if I couldn't get out of it I would probably fail..

~~~~~~~~^~~~~~~~lol~~~~~~ 

Haha wanted to leave you with something funny. That's a person swimming and a shark coming after him.. I'm such a child sometimes.. I know I know grow up! I will one day, for now I'm going to continue to act a little childish and a whole lot adult the rest of the time.

Confused..

N is taking a nap and I decided that now would be a good time to write and get some of my feelings out.. maybe a good time to get my thoughts in order and try to figure out why I feel like I do..

I've noticed that when I start liking someone and getting close to them I start pushing them away, and I'm talking more than just between and someone of the opposite sex, I am talking about any of my friends, I just can't make friends anymore. I know that it's because I'm scared, I'm scared they are going to hurt me, and walk out of my life like everyone else that I know.

Even though I know why I push them away I can't stop myself, and I try so hard but I just keep getting mad at them, over and over and over for no reason what so ever. I caught myself doing it last night with N. I got mad at him for absolutely nothing, and I know he didn't do anything yet I couldn't stop myself from getting mad at him anyways.. I feel terrible, but I just can't stop myself from pushing him away.

I think he's one of the most amazing and supportive people in my life yet I push him away like it's nothing. I know it's because I figure if I push him away then this way I don't get hurt, but it's such a crappy reason to push someone away and I wish more than anything I could stop myself from doing this.. I guess now I'm just rambling so I will stop..

Thankful Day 9: My Man

Today I am going to be sappy and mushy and kind of gross! Today I am thankful for N. Well I am thankful for him every day but today I am writing about him. I pray before I go to bed, I pray and ask God for the wisdom and the strength to carry on and make good choices and to just be myself and be the best I can be. I used to end every prayer with please let me find a man that will accept me for me and not hit me or beat me and won't try to change me. N is that man that I have been praying for! :)

Oh my gosh I'm sure I sound super cheesy and lame when I say that but I'm serious. Today I want to write about why I am so thankful that God put this wonderful man into my life. For some reason this week hasn't been the best, Tuesday wasn't too bad, when he came up and saw me, I had so much fun and felt so happy! He lives about an hour from me so he drove an hour up to see me and then took me to dinner and spent time with me! It was so wonderful! I had so much fun! It's always like that when we are together, we laugh and smile and talk about anything and everything.

I was really stressed because I'm having a hard time finding a job and accidentally started to turn a little bit bitchy, I was being mean and snappy and I didn't mean to be, but he was trying to tell me that everything would be okay. And I know that he means the best and that he wanted me to look at the bright side and stop letting things get me down, but damn it! I just couldn't. He has a job, it's easy for him to say things like that, and I was getting so frustrated with him. Unlike anyone I've ever known this man stuck with me and pushed and wouldn't let me bully him around. He talked me down from a place that I haven't been in a long time. I was ready to get out of the car and start bashing my head on the ground that's how upset I was.

Then he did something that once again shocked me.. he told me he would help me. I'm so used to my family and people telling me to figure things out and do it on my own that when he said he would help me I was blown away. I was upset because one of the only places I think I can get a job is in another city about 20 mins away, that's not really the problem, the problem is that I can't come up with the gas money to drive back and forth until I start getting paid. He told me to apply, he said that he would make sure I have the money to drive back and forth and make it to work so that I can get a job..

I know it doesn't sound like much, but in that moment, in that moment sitting there, looking at him, wanting to scream and cry because I was so upset, in that moment I fell in love with N. I fell in love with this man who goes above and beyond for me every day. I fell in love with someone who treats me better than I could have ever asked. I am thankful for God answering my prayer and giving me this man that I fell in love with.

Shoes

I am in a writing mood! I decided to go back and write a little something about all of the writing prompt that Josie gives us! It was Two Shoes Tuesday from September 4th! The day before my birthday!! Yay!! The writing prompt for that week was SHOES!!

I don't even have to think about this one. It's not really a story, just random things that come into my mind when I think of shoes. And I guess the only thing I think of when I think of shoes.. "Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes." I don't know about you, but I grew up with my mom drilling that into my head. When I saw the prompt was shoes once again that line popped into my head..

A couple weeks ago me and N were bored and were playing 20 questions.. I know seems silly, but we had nothing else to do and it's a good way to get to know each other just a little bit better. I asked him the question if he could trade places with anyone for a day who would it be?? He was messing around, I don't think he realized how serious I meant that question to be, I think he answered with something like Brantley Gilbert, or Carrie Underwood's husband or something like that.. I can't remember to be honest..

This story has a point I promise! He turned around and asked me the same question.. I answered with a homeless man. He just couldn't understand why I would trade places with a homeless man, that made no sense to him what so ever.. Then I explained...

I am actually quite a judgemental person. I don't mean to be, but I am. And I know I have no room to judge others, but for some reason I do.. and I don't know why but I do, I don't know their past, or what they have been through, and hell they don't know my past either. I would want to change places with a homeless man so I know what it is like to have absolutely nothing to my name. I think I have it bad now, and I complain a lot, but I have no idea how bad some people have it. There are people out there who wonder every single day if they are going to get food, or have a place to sleep, or if anyone loves them. These are all things I take for granted, I know that I have food, and I know I have a roof over my head and a place to sleep, and I know for a fact that I have people who love me. They remind me every single day. I want to walk a mile in a homeless mans shoes, not only so that I can understand how good I actually have it, but also so that for one day, even just one short day, someone can know the love I feel on a daily basis.

Thankful For Life

This month is November and everyone is doing Thankful Day        and they are putting the day of the month it is. I think this is a fantastic idea, unfortunately it is now day 8 and I am 8 days behind. But I figured its better late than never right?! So today I am going to just say that I am thankful for life. I may not be the most mentally stable person you will ever meet, but I am definitely thankful for the life I have been given and the chances I have been given to be here and still be alive. My life has came close to ending too many times for me to count being this young.. not many people my age have been through half the stuff that I have, but that's okay, I don't really mind. It was a learning opportunity and it led me to the place that I am today. And am I ever glad to be in the spot that I am in. I have a man that thinks the world of me and treats me like a princess, he thinks that the sun shines out my ass no matter what mood I'm in.. I have a man who is willing to do whatever it takes to make me happy and to show me that not all guys are pigs that hit woman.

Not only do I have N in my life but I have his family as well. His family is the most accepting bunch of people I have ever met and I am so thankful to have them in my life. Today I posted a status about my mail box looking empty and if my family wanted to send me food it would be much appreciated.. N's mom R commented on my status and said "I will mail you some food what do you want and what is your address? :)" This made me the happiest girl in the world. I kid you not there is not a girl in this world who was happier than me at the moment of reading that. I texted N and told him I loved his mom and he goes "you know she's your mom now too, and she loves you and wants you to be happy" well guess what it worked!! I was, and I am so thankful they are part of my family.

As far as family goes I don't have much, I have my mom but we don't really get along, and I have my sister but she lives in Alaska and I don't get to see her. And I have K, K is a lady I started babysitting for and she is as close to the real deal that I have. I can talk to her about anything and I know she will understand and listen and not judge me and help me make decisions with a smart mind. I am thankful she is in my life!! When I first started dating N she was the first person I wanted him to meet. I was so glad when she told me she liked him.

I am thankful for the life I have been given to life, and I hope that I make Him happy by living the way He thinks I should.

Choices

Today is Thursday.. which means Two Shoes Tuesday has come and gone. I wasn't going to post anything about the word prompt that was given. It was "Choices" and I have made so many terrible choices and very few good ones, and honestly it has been a rough week for me and I wasn't ready to go back to that part of my life. Then I was going through my old Facebook photos and albums while I was in class (clearly not paying attention) and had come to a folder labeled 'Inspiration :)' I had totally forgetton about this folder. The one where I had put pictures of quote after quote after quote to help me through what had to be the hardest time in my life. I came acrossed this one and decided that I was going to write a blog anyways..

 

The three C's of life.. wow. These simple little words on that picture have never been more honest.. it's so true! When I was trying to leave J I had to make a CHOICE to take a CHANCE to get away from him if I ever wanted my life to CHANGE. If I ever wanted him to stop hitting me and beating me and threatening my life.. then I needed to make the choice to leave him. And boy was that the scariest thing I've ever done in my life..

 

The choices to make myself a better person and be happy don't end there though, now I have this wonderful man N in my life. And saying he is absolutely amazing and wonderful and sweet and kind and great, does not even begin to describe him. But I have to make the choice.. the choice to take a chance to let this man into my heart and change my life. But will he change my life for good??? Is he going to leave and hurt me??? Will he stay and love me and treat me like the princess he says I am??? I have to make this choice... and right now, the choice is clear. I let him in and I continue to make myself better, and I continue to make the right choices to take chances that will change my life forever!