N is taking a nap and I decided that now would be a good time to write and get some of my feelings out.. maybe a good time to get my thoughts in order and try to figure out why I feel like I do..
I've noticed that when I start liking someone and getting close to them I start pushing them away, and I'm talking more than just between and someone of the opposite sex, I am talking about any of my friends, I just can't make friends anymore. I know that it's because I'm scared, I'm scared they are going to hurt me, and walk out of my life like everyone else that I know.
Even though I know why I push them away I can't stop myself, and I try so hard but I just keep getting mad at them, over and over and over for no reason what so ever. I caught myself doing it last night with N. I got mad at him for absolutely nothing, and I know he didn't do anything yet I couldn't stop myself from getting mad at him anyways.. I feel terrible, but I just can't stop myself from pushing him away.
I think he's one of the most amazing and supportive people in my life yet I push him away like it's nothing. I know it's because I figure if I push him away then this way I don't get hurt, but it's such a crappy reason to push someone away and I wish more than anything I could stop myself from doing this.. I guess now I'm just rambling so I will stop..
I'm not going anywhere... Just saying. ;)
ReplyDeleteThere is hope though, because you know you are doing it and why. When you feel this way, share the feelings with N. It will help build trust & understanding. Hug.
ReplyDeleteYou Can break this pattern of behavior! You've already taken the first step by acknowledging that you do it and by understanding why. We push people away before they can push us away, because we are subconsciously so sure that they will! When you feel yourself pushing, step back, take a breath, go for a walk, find some space and refocus on trust and being open to whatever comes. Don't let your past baggage weigh down your future possibilities. You can let go of it, yes you can!
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say hi, popping in from over on Josie's blog.
ReplyDeleteI don't really want to roll in here and try to make some sort of blanket statement on what you've talked about here, but I believe that Josie makes a good point. Having the wisdom to realize what you are doing is a big thing to admit. I think that's the first step.
I'll try to catch up on your story over the next couple of days so I don't come across as some rambling idiot.
By the way, I liked your post. :)
it's good to get your feelings out, and explore them. You have support here.
ReplyDelete