"I'm fine." Those two words seem to be coming out of my mouth a lot lately.. funny thing is, that's the most common lie.. someone just saying, "I'm fine." More often than not I am not fine when I say this, but it helps. I'm that person that is always strong no matter what. I don't break down, I keep my head up and keep a smile on my face even when I don't want to.
I think my problem is I don't like talking about things, even when I know the person really wants to talk to me and fix what ever it is that I am upset about. The only thing is that more often than not it's something silly and I feel like I shouldn't be upset about it and I don't want to bother someone, or burden someone with my silly problems.
For example; everyday this week I have needed N, and he doesn't live near me so he can't be here when I need him. And I understand that, but it's been an off week so far and the fact that I can't see him when I want to or need to just makes it worse.. And I'm trying so hard not to take it out on him, I knew that he didn't live near me when we started dating and I knew it would be hard sometimes, but I just feel like everything that could go wrong this week has, and I want more than anything else to just curl up in his arms and have him tell me everything is going to be okay. But I can't have that and it is driving me crazy.
Then on top of that I feel like I lost part of my family and it is tearing a hole in my heart that hurts so bad sometimes I have to stop what I'm doing to try and make myself feel better. It's terrible, but once again.. all I say is "I'm fine." I don't want people worrying about me, and I don't want to make anyone upset, so I just say that instead of talking about what is really bothering me. Oh well, I'm sure as time goes on I will get better at it, especially with the way N pushes me to tell him things. He hates when I shut him out, he doesn't care if its something big or small, he wants to help me fix it. I feel so lucky to have him in my life!
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Trust
I guess what this completely pointless blog was about was that yes trust is like paper and once it is crumpled it can't be perfect. But only with that person. You need to take a leap of faith and trust the people that haven't given you a reason not to. If you look for things to go wrong things will go wrong and get turned upside down. You need to look toward positive things, keep your head up and try your hardest to keep a smile on your face! :)
Changed Layout
I hope that my new blue background is a little bit easier to see and read. I was told by someone that having a black background with white text is hell on the eyes and give people super bad headaches. Sorry about that, didn't realize the effect it would have! I hope that this is a little bit more easy on the eyes and y'all keep reading! Thank you!
Fear..
Today is Tuesday!! That means it's Two Shoes Tuesday! And the writing prompt for the day is FEAR!
Nothing is scarier than losing, or almost losing, someone you love. That's what fear is to me, I fear that I will lose my family or my friends. One normal summer day that almost happened. This was over a year ago, the summer before I started college.
The day started as a normal day, had the day off of work and it was nice outside. Thought it would be a good idea to go to the beach with my fiance J, and my best friend E. We decided to go to my aunts house because she lives off of a private lake that way we could take my dog.
We packed a lunch and the dog and drove out to the lake, we spent the afternoon laughing and swimming and eating of course! It seemed perfect. It was getting near the end of the day and we were all tired from being in the sun and in the water all day. We had stopped swimming and were throwing the ball off the end of the dock for the dog to go get.
This is where a normal day becomes a day of fear. In the course of maybe a half hour I almost watched my fiance (at the time) almost drown. J threw the ball far into the lake, and my dog didn't see him throw it. I didn't mean to get so mad but I was upset, that was the last good ball we had that my dog actually liked and couldn't chew up. Before I could even think about it the words just came out of my mouth. "Damn it J! Now you lost the ball, I can't believe you. Go get it!" I'm not sure why I was so mad, I didn't need to be, and I have no idea why I told him to go get the ball, he isn't the best swimmer and he was tired and that ball was far! I am a good swimmer, I have taken classes and pretty much grew up in water and I'm not even sure I could have made it out there and back.
J apologized and jumped off the dock to go get the ball, by the time he got to the ball I could tell something was wrong. He kept ducking under water and it was taking longer and longer before he was coming back up. My heart started racing and I was screaming his name. I asked if he was okay and he told me he was.. that had to be a good sign right?? That he could talk?? He wasn't even halfway back and I knew he was going to drown if I didn't save him. I went to jump off the end of the dock and my friend E said, "wait, are you sure you can do this??" With tears in my eyes I told her that if I didn't try he would drown.
I leaped off the dock and swam as fast and as hard as I could to him. I could tell he was struggling when I got to him, even doggy paddling wasn't doing him any good. I took the ball from his hand and threw it towards shore. I told him to float on his back as I started dragging him back towards shore! I called my dog and he swam out to us. I told J to grab the collar and me and my dog pulled him back to shore. By the time I got to shore I could barely move. I just sat on the ground not even all the way out of the water, crying and shaking. I couldn't stop.
At the time this boy had been my life, yes he was a jerk, and yes he hit me and treated me like shit. But he was my life and at the time my future husband. I didn't want him to die. I had never been so scared in my life. Some crazy things have happened to me, but this was the moment when my biggest fear was going to come true if I didn't act swiftly and save him. My heart was racing and I couldn't breathe, but fear had overcome me and I needed to do anything possible to not see that happen.
Nothing is scarier than losing, or almost losing, someone you love. That's what fear is to me, I fear that I will lose my family or my friends. One normal summer day that almost happened. This was over a year ago, the summer before I started college.
The day started as a normal day, had the day off of work and it was nice outside. Thought it would be a good idea to go to the beach with my fiance J, and my best friend E. We decided to go to my aunts house because she lives off of a private lake that way we could take my dog.
We packed a lunch and the dog and drove out to the lake, we spent the afternoon laughing and swimming and eating of course! It seemed perfect. It was getting near the end of the day and we were all tired from being in the sun and in the water all day. We had stopped swimming and were throwing the ball off the end of the dock for the dog to go get.
This is where a normal day becomes a day of fear. In the course of maybe a half hour I almost watched my fiance (at the time) almost drown. J threw the ball far into the lake, and my dog didn't see him throw it. I didn't mean to get so mad but I was upset, that was the last good ball we had that my dog actually liked and couldn't chew up. Before I could even think about it the words just came out of my mouth. "Damn it J! Now you lost the ball, I can't believe you. Go get it!" I'm not sure why I was so mad, I didn't need to be, and I have no idea why I told him to go get the ball, he isn't the best swimmer and he was tired and that ball was far! I am a good swimmer, I have taken classes and pretty much grew up in water and I'm not even sure I could have made it out there and back.
J apologized and jumped off the dock to go get the ball, by the time he got to the ball I could tell something was wrong. He kept ducking under water and it was taking longer and longer before he was coming back up. My heart started racing and I was screaming his name. I asked if he was okay and he told me he was.. that had to be a good sign right?? That he could talk?? He wasn't even halfway back and I knew he was going to drown if I didn't save him. I went to jump off the end of the dock and my friend E said, "wait, are you sure you can do this??" With tears in my eyes I told her that if I didn't try he would drown.
I leaped off the dock and swam as fast and as hard as I could to him. I could tell he was struggling when I got to him, even doggy paddling wasn't doing him any good. I took the ball from his hand and threw it towards shore. I told him to float on his back as I started dragging him back towards shore! I called my dog and he swam out to us. I told J to grab the collar and me and my dog pulled him back to shore. By the time I got to shore I could barely move. I just sat on the ground not even all the way out of the water, crying and shaking. I couldn't stop.
At the time this boy had been my life, yes he was a jerk, and yes he hit me and treated me like shit. But he was my life and at the time my future husband. I didn't want him to die. I had never been so scared in my life. Some crazy things have happened to me, but this was the moment when my biggest fear was going to come true if I didn't act swiftly and save him. My heart was racing and I couldn't breathe, but fear had overcome me and I needed to do anything possible to not see that happen.
Finally Happy?!
This past weekend has been one of the best weekends I've had in a long time and that scares me more than you can imagine! After everything I've been through in my past it scares me to think that I could finally be happy. I posted a Facebook status the other day that said, "Once in a while someone comes along and changes your life. Be it for better or worse they either make you stronger by loving you or leaving you. Everyone has a purpose for being in your life. Enjoy the time you have with them while you have it, you never know what tomorrow might bring!" And this scares idea scares me.
I spent the weekend with N and his family, I enjoyed every minute of it and for once I didn't feel hurt, or sad, or depressed, or angry. Just happiness. As I lay in bed on Sunday morning, listening to the birds in the trees outside and N breathing, feeling the sun on my face. A wave of fear washed over me. Why is this you may ask?? Because in the past I have learned that happiness for me anyways is shortly followed by sadness, a very strong and unbreakable sadness. One that leaves me laying in bed for days not wanting to get up or move or eat or even breathe. That's why a wave a complete terror and fear overcame me.
I rolled over and looked at N laying there sleeping. He's cute when he sleeps, looks just like a baby, a little boy that I would do anything in my power to protect. He looks so vulnerable when he sleeps. And as I watched him sleep a smile crept on my face. I like him, I like him a lot. I thought about my future and how I could imagine him in it, and how I realized the thought of him not being in my future upset me more than anything. Then I realized it, it's not that I am relying on N to make me happy, but I am happy with him. I feel safe, and wanted, and loved. All the things I never felt while I was with J.
Unintentionally, I have given N the power to hurt me and take away my happiness. I don't think he would ever do this to me, not on purpose anyways. If he does it will be an accident, but as I was laying in bed, scared that I had given this man the power to hurt me. That quote popped into my head. I never know what tomorrow may bring. So instead of waiting for him to hurt me, or expecting sadness to follow this happiness I feel, I am going to live in this moment. Every moment. And cherish everything about those moments. I will not let the fear of losing N or having him hurt me dictate how I spend the time that I do have with him. He was put in my life for a reason, and no matter why he is here, he has already changed my life more than he can even imagine. He has showed me how a man actually treats a woman. And for that I am forever grateful!
Thought of the day:
Today's thought of a day is more of a question. I want y'all to think about the way you are living your life... in a moment things can change. It only takes a second for your life to be completely turned around. So why not live now, in the moment, as if its your last??
I spent the weekend with N and his family, I enjoyed every minute of it and for once I didn't feel hurt, or sad, or depressed, or angry. Just happiness. As I lay in bed on Sunday morning, listening to the birds in the trees outside and N breathing, feeling the sun on my face. A wave of fear washed over me. Why is this you may ask?? Because in the past I have learned that happiness for me anyways is shortly followed by sadness, a very strong and unbreakable sadness. One that leaves me laying in bed for days not wanting to get up or move or eat or even breathe. That's why a wave a complete terror and fear overcame me.
I rolled over and looked at N laying there sleeping. He's cute when he sleeps, looks just like a baby, a little boy that I would do anything in my power to protect. He looks so vulnerable when he sleeps. And as I watched him sleep a smile crept on my face. I like him, I like him a lot. I thought about my future and how I could imagine him in it, and how I realized the thought of him not being in my future upset me more than anything. Then I realized it, it's not that I am relying on N to make me happy, but I am happy with him. I feel safe, and wanted, and loved. All the things I never felt while I was with J.
Unintentionally, I have given N the power to hurt me and take away my happiness. I don't think he would ever do this to me, not on purpose anyways. If he does it will be an accident, but as I was laying in bed, scared that I had given this man the power to hurt me. That quote popped into my head. I never know what tomorrow may bring. So instead of waiting for him to hurt me, or expecting sadness to follow this happiness I feel, I am going to live in this moment. Every moment. And cherish everything about those moments. I will not let the fear of losing N or having him hurt me dictate how I spend the time that I do have with him. He was put in my life for a reason, and no matter why he is here, he has already changed my life more than he can even imagine. He has showed me how a man actually treats a woman. And for that I am forever grateful!
Thought of the day:
Today's thought of a day is more of a question. I want y'all to think about the way you are living your life... in a moment things can change. It only takes a second for your life to be completely turned around. So why not live now, in the moment, as if its your last??
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Scariest Story I've Ever Told
This is a story I have been meaning to tell for a long time, to someone, anyone that will listen. I've never shared the whole story, it's going to be long and it will not be pleasant..
It started on a cold cold cold day in January of 2011, it was a Saturday and for once I had the weekend off of work! I was so excited, at this time I was living back at home with my mom, and I had convinced her to let me stay the weekend with my boyfriend at the time. If you have read any of my other stories you know he beats me, by this time I knew how he was and had already been to the hospital quite a few times.. just couldn't get out of it. Anyways, I was so excited! I was going to do whatever it took to make this boy happy, I would not mess up this weekend, he would be happy and I would be the perfect girlfriend he always wanted and I could never be!
It started snowing that Friday morning and to everyone's excitment school was cancelled! We got to go home early!! I was so happy me and J drove to his house and we spent the afternoon cuddling and watching movies, I was the perfect girlfriend, got him something to drink when he wanted it, snacks when he wanted it, other things when he wanted it! What I thought was the picture perfect girlfriend, only later did I find out I was wrong. I made him and his mom the perfect dinner and everything was wonderful, or so I thought...
Saturday came around and I was making him breakfast in bed like I always did when I stayed at his house. That's what he liked.. blueberry waffles, toast, an egg overeasy, a glass of no pulp orange juice, and his syrup warmed to the perfect temperature. He was clearly a very picky guy. Anyways I took him up his breakfast and once again I thought I had done everything right, been the perfect girlfriend he wanted me to be! I couldn't be happier.. as the day went on I noticed a slight change in him. His mom, who had left to go to his brothers earlier that day, had called and said that she would not be coming home that day. That pushed him over the edge, he wanted his mother to come home, I knew right then that something was wrong. I tried to talk to him and he hit me, wasn't a punch, more like a slap, right in the face.. it knocked me to the ground. I started crying which I knew would only upset him more, he hated when I cried. It showed weakness as he would tell me.
So as I cower on the ground trying to be as small as possible he starts kicking me, over and over and over again. Finally when he stops he makes me get up and sit in one of the chairs and he makes me tell him what I did. My mind is blown, I couldn't tell you, I have no idea what I did wrong. He didn't like that. He grabbed a fist full of my hair and said he was going to pull every time I got it wrong harder and harder until he pulled it all out if he had to. Still I had no idea, I guessed everything under the sun as to why this boy was mad at me. Of course I got it wrong, he was mad because I burnt his waffles, and the day before his drink wasn't cold enough, and I was taking too much time in the kitchen to get snacks. We probabaly sat at the kitchen table for four hours going round and round, he had me confess over and over and over again that I was an awful girlfriend.
When he was finally done yelling at me he said he had to go to the bathroom. He got up and walked out. I decided this was it! I couldn't take it anymore, I had to get away from him, I had to leave him, I couldn't let him do this to me anymore. Sadly I had to walk past the bathroom to get to the door, I tip-toed down the hallway, walking ever so carefully that he wouldn't hear me! He did, he opened the door just as I was passing the bathroom and trying to get my shoes on. He once again grabbed my hair and pulled me into the living room, he pushed me down by the back of the neck and yelled at me, the whole time I was yelling "Let me go, I hate you, I'm leaving you." I tried to curl up in a ball thinking he was going to kick me while I was down like he usually did. That wasn't the case.. instead he left. I was so confused by this, why did he leave? Better yet, where did he go and when will he be back?
To my horror he had gone into his room to get his dad's Bersa .380 Auto (That's a gun btw).. I hated that thing, I hated that he kept it in his room, and I hate that it was always loaded. He held it by my head, not quite pointing it at me, but close enough so I knew what he meant by holding it there. He asked me one question.. "So, you think you're going to leave me?" I was scare shitless, I've never been more terrified in my life. He was going to shoot me, he was going to blow my head off.
I told him yes, I couldn't do this anymore. I had spent all weekend trying to please him and it had never worked, nothing I did was good enough. In all honesty, I'm not sure where the balls that I had suddenly grew came from. I've never stood up for myself to him like that.. What in the hell was I thinking??? He laughed in my face, I was stuck. He knew it, and I knew it. I was foolish to think otherwise. He wasn't letting me go anywhere and I knew.
I started crying as he held the end of the gun to my head and took the safety off. I couldn't even see straight I was so scared. He told me I was worthless, no one would love me, no one cared about me. He was all I had. He told me I would never leave him and that if I thought otherwise I could walk out that door, but the bullet would reach my head before I could reach the door. I knew he wasn't kidding, I could see it in his eyes. He then made me beg for my life. He made me tell him how much I needed him, how I couldn't survive without him, how my life revolved around him and God put me on this Earth to please him. (I know that's not the case now, and I'm doing a lot better now, but I still have a lot of problems.)
The groveling probably went on for a good hour before I recieved a phone call, it was my mother, my dad was in the hospital because he slipped and fell on some ice and jacked up his knee. He needed someone to take him home and she was going to be leaving for work and couldn't. I told her okay, I looked at J and said I had to go, it was a family matter. In this he couldn't say no and he knew he couldn't, but you can bet he reminded me.
I left, and as I'm sure you remember it had snowed and stormed. The roads were terrible, and I was upset and driving so fast. All the things J had said to me were going through my head and I couldn't help but to think about how right he was. (By this time I was depressed but hadn't gone to talk to anyone or seen a shrink.) I started driving faster, I was coming up to some curves I knew I should slow down for, I didn't. I was probably going 70-75 when I smashed my car into a tree. I don't remember much after that, but I didn't get too terribly hurt, a concussion and a bunch of bruises.. That was the moment I realized I was going so fast because I wanted to die.
At this point in my life I didn't feel like life was worth living. I didn't think I would ever be able to get away from J, and honestly, he had me believing that what he was saying was true. I don't know who you are, or why you are reading this, but don't ever let someone tell you that you aren't worth anything. Don't ever let some guy control you to the point where you want to end your life. You just read my story, you know that I mean it when I say I understand. Even if I don't know you, I think you are important, and I think you mean something.
It started on a cold cold cold day in January of 2011, it was a Saturday and for once I had the weekend off of work! I was so excited, at this time I was living back at home with my mom, and I had convinced her to let me stay the weekend with my boyfriend at the time. If you have read any of my other stories you know he beats me, by this time I knew how he was and had already been to the hospital quite a few times.. just couldn't get out of it. Anyways, I was so excited! I was going to do whatever it took to make this boy happy, I would not mess up this weekend, he would be happy and I would be the perfect girlfriend he always wanted and I could never be!
It started snowing that Friday morning and to everyone's excitment school was cancelled! We got to go home early!! I was so happy me and J drove to his house and we spent the afternoon cuddling and watching movies, I was the perfect girlfriend, got him something to drink when he wanted it, snacks when he wanted it, other things when he wanted it! What I thought was the picture perfect girlfriend, only later did I find out I was wrong. I made him and his mom the perfect dinner and everything was wonderful, or so I thought...
Saturday came around and I was making him breakfast in bed like I always did when I stayed at his house. That's what he liked.. blueberry waffles, toast, an egg overeasy, a glass of no pulp orange juice, and his syrup warmed to the perfect temperature. He was clearly a very picky guy. Anyways I took him up his breakfast and once again I thought I had done everything right, been the perfect girlfriend he wanted me to be! I couldn't be happier.. as the day went on I noticed a slight change in him. His mom, who had left to go to his brothers earlier that day, had called and said that she would not be coming home that day. That pushed him over the edge, he wanted his mother to come home, I knew right then that something was wrong. I tried to talk to him and he hit me, wasn't a punch, more like a slap, right in the face.. it knocked me to the ground. I started crying which I knew would only upset him more, he hated when I cried. It showed weakness as he would tell me.
So as I cower on the ground trying to be as small as possible he starts kicking me, over and over and over again. Finally when he stops he makes me get up and sit in one of the chairs and he makes me tell him what I did. My mind is blown, I couldn't tell you, I have no idea what I did wrong. He didn't like that. He grabbed a fist full of my hair and said he was going to pull every time I got it wrong harder and harder until he pulled it all out if he had to. Still I had no idea, I guessed everything under the sun as to why this boy was mad at me. Of course I got it wrong, he was mad because I burnt his waffles, and the day before his drink wasn't cold enough, and I was taking too much time in the kitchen to get snacks. We probabaly sat at the kitchen table for four hours going round and round, he had me confess over and over and over again that I was an awful girlfriend.
When he was finally done yelling at me he said he had to go to the bathroom. He got up and walked out. I decided this was it! I couldn't take it anymore, I had to get away from him, I had to leave him, I couldn't let him do this to me anymore. Sadly I had to walk past the bathroom to get to the door, I tip-toed down the hallway, walking ever so carefully that he wouldn't hear me! He did, he opened the door just as I was passing the bathroom and trying to get my shoes on. He once again grabbed my hair and pulled me into the living room, he pushed me down by the back of the neck and yelled at me, the whole time I was yelling "Let me go, I hate you, I'm leaving you." I tried to curl up in a ball thinking he was going to kick me while I was down like he usually did. That wasn't the case.. instead he left. I was so confused by this, why did he leave? Better yet, where did he go and when will he be back?
To my horror he had gone into his room to get his dad's Bersa .380 Auto (That's a gun btw).. I hated that thing, I hated that he kept it in his room, and I hate that it was always loaded. He held it by my head, not quite pointing it at me, but close enough so I knew what he meant by holding it there. He asked me one question.. "So, you think you're going to leave me?" I was scare shitless, I've never been more terrified in my life. He was going to shoot me, he was going to blow my head off.
I told him yes, I couldn't do this anymore. I had spent all weekend trying to please him and it had never worked, nothing I did was good enough. In all honesty, I'm not sure where the balls that I had suddenly grew came from. I've never stood up for myself to him like that.. What in the hell was I thinking??? He laughed in my face, I was stuck. He knew it, and I knew it. I was foolish to think otherwise. He wasn't letting me go anywhere and I knew.
I started crying as he held the end of the gun to my head and took the safety off. I couldn't even see straight I was so scared. He told me I was worthless, no one would love me, no one cared about me. He was all I had. He told me I would never leave him and that if I thought otherwise I could walk out that door, but the bullet would reach my head before I could reach the door. I knew he wasn't kidding, I could see it in his eyes. He then made me beg for my life. He made me tell him how much I needed him, how I couldn't survive without him, how my life revolved around him and God put me on this Earth to please him. (I know that's not the case now, and I'm doing a lot better now, but I still have a lot of problems.)
The groveling probably went on for a good hour before I recieved a phone call, it was my mother, my dad was in the hospital because he slipped and fell on some ice and jacked up his knee. He needed someone to take him home and she was going to be leaving for work and couldn't. I told her okay, I looked at J and said I had to go, it was a family matter. In this he couldn't say no and he knew he couldn't, but you can bet he reminded me.
I left, and as I'm sure you remember it had snowed and stormed. The roads were terrible, and I was upset and driving so fast. All the things J had said to me were going through my head and I couldn't help but to think about how right he was. (By this time I was depressed but hadn't gone to talk to anyone or seen a shrink.) I started driving faster, I was coming up to some curves I knew I should slow down for, I didn't. I was probably going 70-75 when I smashed my car into a tree. I don't remember much after that, but I didn't get too terribly hurt, a concussion and a bunch of bruises.. That was the moment I realized I was going so fast because I wanted to die.
At this point in my life I didn't feel like life was worth living. I didn't think I would ever be able to get away from J, and honestly, he had me believing that what he was saying was true. I don't know who you are, or why you are reading this, but don't ever let someone tell you that you aren't worth anything. Don't ever let some guy control you to the point where you want to end your life. You just read my story, you know that I mean it when I say I understand. Even if I don't know you, I think you are important, and I think you mean something.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Power of Hope
Today is Tuesday! And that means that Josie over at Two Shoes in Texas gave us a word prompt. Each week on Two Shoes Tuesday we are given a prompt and we can share a short story, poem, essay, thought, or photo relating to that topic. Today's topic is HOPE!
Hope is such a funny thing, so elusive some days we can have all the hope in the world others not so much. It can be such a silly thing "I hope that Johnny asks me out" (no I don't know anyone named Johnny, that's why I used it.) Or it can be me today, "I hope my dad is okay after his surgery."
A couple weeks ago I went home for my mom's birthday and learned that my dad had a lump in his throat, this freaked me out, that's the first time I needed hope, I needed to have the hope he would be okay. He had a doctors appointment the Monday after I went home and I was told the doctors were going to remove it and then they would know if it was cancerous.
I started talking to him on the phone more and more, I was so worried, nothing could happen to this man, this man who was my dad but not my father, this man who had sat in the bleachers of every soccer, softball, basketball game, every track meet, and every single drama play I had. I prayed and hoped every night he would be okay.
Today I found out he is doing well. I was so happy!!! Everything I had hoped for these past few weeks had turned out okay!! He is recovering and can't talk for another week or so, my mom is home taking care of him even though I feel like it should be me down there helping him! I am so happy that he is okay, it gives me hope, hope in the power of prayer! I was hopeful he would be okay, and it turns out he is! The power of hope and prayer can do amazing things!
Hope is such a funny thing, so elusive some days we can have all the hope in the world others not so much. It can be such a silly thing "I hope that Johnny asks me out" (no I don't know anyone named Johnny, that's why I used it.) Or it can be me today, "I hope my dad is okay after his surgery."
A couple weeks ago I went home for my mom's birthday and learned that my dad had a lump in his throat, this freaked me out, that's the first time I needed hope, I needed to have the hope he would be okay. He had a doctors appointment the Monday after I went home and I was told the doctors were going to remove it and then they would know if it was cancerous.
I started talking to him on the phone more and more, I was so worried, nothing could happen to this man, this man who was my dad but not my father, this man who had sat in the bleachers of every soccer, softball, basketball game, every track meet, and every single drama play I had. I prayed and hoped every night he would be okay.
Today I found out he is doing well. I was so happy!!! Everything I had hoped for these past few weeks had turned out okay!! He is recovering and can't talk for another week or so, my mom is home taking care of him even though I feel like it should be me down there helping him! I am so happy that he is okay, it gives me hope, hope in the power of prayer! I was hopeful he would be okay, and it turns out he is! The power of hope and prayer can do amazing things!
Just rambling, collecting thoughts...
I'm not really sure what happened to me, I used to be such a people person.. not anymore.. I get so angry and have like zero tolerance for people these days. I feel so broken. I'm not sure if it's because I have all these trust issues so I am too afraid to get close to someone or what, but I sure am having a hard time with things these days.. I'm super glad that N came into my life.. he sure has changed the way I think about things.. I know I haven't know him for very long, but he's everything I've always wanted in a guy, and he understands me, and he doesn't push me, and when I say I don't wana talk about things he just says okay. He's what I need, but I'm not sure if that's a good thing. I don't know if I want to be with someone because I think I need them in my life.. Crazy as this sounds I could actually see sharing a future with him. I'm so old fashioned that way, I don't think it makes sense to date someone you couldn't imagine a future with. Why waste both of your time and then in the end both people get hurt.. doesn't make sense to me. I've always been like that, I don't want to have a bunch of boyfriends and I take my time to get to know someone before I date them. I have had only two serious boyfriends and one was abusive..
That just opens up a whole different can of worms, think I'll stay away from that one for now. I'm sure I'll sound like every other woman who has ever been beaten by her boyfriend/husband, we thought he would change, he loved us, he would never do it again. You've all heard those lines I'm sure, but it's true.. Anyways, back to where I was going, I want to be happy with myself and the way I am before I can make someone else happy. How can someone else love me when I don't even love myself? There are so many days I wish I was back on my medicine, some days I can't handle it and I just want to sit down and cry and cry and cry. I'm sick of being strong for everyone, and just once I want to say "I'm fine" and have someone give me a hug and say "no you're not, but it's going to be okay." Some days I just need someone to tell me I'm not okay but with a little help I will get through this. I wish I had the guts to tell this to N, and I wish more than anything M was talking to me so he could tell me everything would be okay. He may live fifteen hours away from me but he was always able to put a huge smile on my face!! It was wonderful, too bad he's mad at me and won't talk to me.. I guess I should stop rambling now, no one wants to read my pathetic shit. Oh well, I don't care, it feels good to get it out even if no one does read it.. Nice to finally get it off my chest..
Thought of the day:
Today my thought of the day is about distance and relationships.. my mom used to tell me absense makes the heart grow fonder. But someone else once told me out of sight out of mind. So which is it? This is my answer to that: Distance is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great.
That just opens up a whole different can of worms, think I'll stay away from that one for now. I'm sure I'll sound like every other woman who has ever been beaten by her boyfriend/husband, we thought he would change, he loved us, he would never do it again. You've all heard those lines I'm sure, but it's true.. Anyways, back to where I was going, I want to be happy with myself and the way I am before I can make someone else happy. How can someone else love me when I don't even love myself? There are so many days I wish I was back on my medicine, some days I can't handle it and I just want to sit down and cry and cry and cry. I'm sick of being strong for everyone, and just once I want to say "I'm fine" and have someone give me a hug and say "no you're not, but it's going to be okay." Some days I just need someone to tell me I'm not okay but with a little help I will get through this. I wish I had the guts to tell this to N, and I wish more than anything M was talking to me so he could tell me everything would be okay. He may live fifteen hours away from me but he was always able to put a huge smile on my face!! It was wonderful, too bad he's mad at me and won't talk to me.. I guess I should stop rambling now, no one wants to read my pathetic shit. Oh well, I don't care, it feels good to get it out even if no one does read it.. Nice to finally get it off my chest..
Thought of the day:
Today my thought of the day is about distance and relationships.. my mom used to tell me absense makes the heart grow fonder. But someone else once told me out of sight out of mind. So which is it? This is my answer to that: Distance is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Just a rant!
This blog will be nothing but me bitching and complaining to be honest. I posted a status on Facebook and of course the one person that it had absolutely NOTHING about had to try and make it about her! L is a 31 year old woman who is throwing a tantrum like a two year old on Facebook right now because I posted one status that had nothing to do with her... I was her maid of honor but apparently I stabbed her in the back and now she doesn't want anything to do with me and she fired me from her job. And I'm supposed to know what she's thinking by how her mood has changed around me. This woman is bipolar, maybe not literally but that's how she acts. She can feel on top of the world and be super happy and everyone around her is happy and then one little thing goes wrong.. her bf doesn't order what she thinks he should at the fast food joint, or her son doesn't want to put his coat on, or I decided I was going to go out of town for a weekend that's two weeks away. I lived with her and did everything for her over this summer, I went out of my way, I literally had no social life what so ever because I was watching her two kids. And now I'm the bad person because I hurt her feelings and she can't handle it. I'm so fed up with it. I just don't know what to do anymore..
On a good note, as crazy as this sounds I'm so glad I decided to blog, I'm getting all my frustrations out here, and yes no one is reading this, but I really don't care! It feels great to have a place to vent that no one can judge, or yell, or tell me what I'm thinking of is wrong. It's such a good way to get my anger out! This way maybe I can get my thoughts in order before I talk about what ever it is that is bothering me. I'm not the best at communicating, my past relationship was based on me being quiet, I was never allowed to argue or state my opinion so I just sat there and never said anything! I hated it, and now that I'm allowed to talk it's weird that I might actually be able to tell someone how I feel and why what he did made me upset! On another good note he comes home in a week! I'm thrilled!! I cannot wait to see him! Well now that I got my little childish rant out of my system I can crack open a cold one and head to bed in a good mood!
On a good note, as crazy as this sounds I'm so glad I decided to blog, I'm getting all my frustrations out here, and yes no one is reading this, but I really don't care! It feels great to have a place to vent that no one can judge, or yell, or tell me what I'm thinking of is wrong. It's such a good way to get my anger out! This way maybe I can get my thoughts in order before I talk about what ever it is that is bothering me. I'm not the best at communicating, my past relationship was based on me being quiet, I was never allowed to argue or state my opinion so I just sat there and never said anything! I hated it, and now that I'm allowed to talk it's weird that I might actually be able to tell someone how I feel and why what he did made me upset! On another good note he comes home in a week! I'm thrilled!! I cannot wait to see him! Well now that I got my little childish rant out of my system I can crack open a cold one and head to bed in a good mood!
Jealousy is a funny thing
Is it just me or does anyone else think that jealous people do some crazy ass things! It depends on who the jealous person is, but the end result is pretty much the same.. they do strange things and act dumb and say stupid shit!
For example, I've known L for over a year now, I started babysitting for her in September of last year, and she is the most jealous person I have ever met in my life. Not even joking. She's jealous of everyone, the people she works with, K the other lady I babysit for, everyone! The other day I was at K's house dealing with the kids and talking to her about my day and L texted me and said "if you want to get paid you need to come over here, I am feeling betrayed." She feels betrayed because she thinks I'm spending too much time over here with K and she thinks that I don't like her anymore. I can't believe her. I spend more time over here because my schedule fits perfectly with K's and not at all with L's. Anyways, back to where I was going with this, today she asked me to babysit for her on Wednesday, well I told her that was my only day to sleep in and I would be back on campus in my dorm. She responded with "well fine, I guess I will find someone else to babysit for me since you don't like me anymore." She's got that right!! She treats me like shit! I bend over backwards for this woman, I have babysat for her for basically pennies a day and she probably owes me $350 all together from all the work I've done for her, yet you can bet I won't be getting that money and I won't bug her about it cuz that's how I am. But now all this is starting and I refuse to be walked over anymore. It's driving me crazy and I'm sick of always being the bad person for having a life! She yelled at me cuz next weekend I am going back to my hometown to go hunting with a friend and the weekend after N is coming back home from work!!
Speaking of N, he is a darling, this man has made my life so much better in the few short weeks that I've known him! He works for a travelling company (not really sure what he does exactly) and he's out of state right now! And it really really sucks! Back to the topic of jealous.. M who is my best friend and is in love with me and lives in Oklahoma.. he is so jealous of N its crazy. I'm so sick of hearing about how much better he could treat me than N. He said that there isn't a difference with N working out of state and being gone all the time and him living in a different state. I told him of course there was, at least with N he comes home. M said he could buy plane tickets and come see me, but for what a weekend every month? Maybe its just me but that seems crazy, and will get really expensive really fast. Besides I am head over heels for N! This guy treats me like a princess, and I couldn't be more lucky to have a guy! I don't think I could invent a better guy for me than N! He is amazing! But that's not what this is about! This is about how jealousy makes people say and do crazy things.. so back to M and his jealousy issue.. he has found a college that has his program, in my state... he wants to move all the way from Oklahoma... 15 hours away so that he can be with me instead of N. When I told him this was a bad idea and it would never work, and he doesn't want to move that far away from his family. Currently he is no longer speaking to me because he loves me more than a friend and he wants to be with me and I'm not giving him a fair chance.. he won't be calling me any time soon that's for sure!
Well I think that's all for now, I should probably stop my rant. I know, I know, this is my blog and I could probably go on for hours with this petty bullshit! But I won't. Just think about it before you say something that could be out of jealousy, it hurts to be walked all over.. don't do it!
For example, I've known L for over a year now, I started babysitting for her in September of last year, and she is the most jealous person I have ever met in my life. Not even joking. She's jealous of everyone, the people she works with, K the other lady I babysit for, everyone! The other day I was at K's house dealing with the kids and talking to her about my day and L texted me and said "if you want to get paid you need to come over here, I am feeling betrayed." She feels betrayed because she thinks I'm spending too much time over here with K and she thinks that I don't like her anymore. I can't believe her. I spend more time over here because my schedule fits perfectly with K's and not at all with L's. Anyways, back to where I was going with this, today she asked me to babysit for her on Wednesday, well I told her that was my only day to sleep in and I would be back on campus in my dorm. She responded with "well fine, I guess I will find someone else to babysit for me since you don't like me anymore." She's got that right!! She treats me like shit! I bend over backwards for this woman, I have babysat for her for basically pennies a day and she probably owes me $350 all together from all the work I've done for her, yet you can bet I won't be getting that money and I won't bug her about it cuz that's how I am. But now all this is starting and I refuse to be walked over anymore. It's driving me crazy and I'm sick of always being the bad person for having a life! She yelled at me cuz next weekend I am going back to my hometown to go hunting with a friend and the weekend after N is coming back home from work!!
Speaking of N, he is a darling, this man has made my life so much better in the few short weeks that I've known him! He works for a travelling company (not really sure what he does exactly) and he's out of state right now! And it really really sucks! Back to the topic of jealous.. M who is my best friend and is in love with me and lives in Oklahoma.. he is so jealous of N its crazy. I'm so sick of hearing about how much better he could treat me than N. He said that there isn't a difference with N working out of state and being gone all the time and him living in a different state. I told him of course there was, at least with N he comes home. M said he could buy plane tickets and come see me, but for what a weekend every month? Maybe its just me but that seems crazy, and will get really expensive really fast. Besides I am head over heels for N! This guy treats me like a princess, and I couldn't be more lucky to have a guy! I don't think I could invent a better guy for me than N! He is amazing! But that's not what this is about! This is about how jealousy makes people say and do crazy things.. so back to M and his jealousy issue.. he has found a college that has his program, in my state... he wants to move all the way from Oklahoma... 15 hours away so that he can be with me instead of N. When I told him this was a bad idea and it would never work, and he doesn't want to move that far away from his family. Currently he is no longer speaking to me because he loves me more than a friend and he wants to be with me and I'm not giving him a fair chance.. he won't be calling me any time soon that's for sure!
Well I think that's all for now, I should probably stop my rant. I know, I know, this is my blog and I could probably go on for hours with this petty bullshit! But I won't. Just think about it before you say something that could be out of jealousy, it hurts to be walked all over.. don't do it!
Who is this ranting college girl?
Decided I would tell a little bit about myself to try and get used to this whole blogging thing. To start off with I am a struggling college student and I never seem to be able to run out of things to complain about when it comes to college! My school screws us over so bad, they drop your classes and then you have to re-sign up for them and hope you get the same classes that you had. The university book store jacks up the prices of books, and I know that all bookstores do but damn!!! I bought a book off Amazon for $8 and used from the bookstore they wanted me to pay $150! What is that crazy nonsense?! That doesn't make any sense to me!
Currently I am studying Criminal Justice and it is a pain in my butt! You would think now-a-days guys aren't such pigs and can understand that women can work in this field as well, but no! Half of the guys in my classes think that I belong in the kitchen! Are you kidding me?! The kitchen.. want to know a fun fact? All the knives are in the kitchen too! Sure I'll go there! They are sexist pigs, and I work my ass off to make sure that I get one of the highest grades on any test we have every single time!
Against mommy's wishes I am going to switch my major. I want to be a large animal vet, I have been thinking about switching majors pretty much since I started college. This will probably mean another 4 years or so on top of the almost two I've already done, but oh well. Life goes on. I wasn't going to cuz my mom is so against it, but I don't live my life to please that woman, and if I do I'll be the most miserable person in the world, I need to do this for me whether she likes it or not! At least my best friend is supportive. He told me he would support my decision no matter what it was. His exact words were "I'll be your rock when the water is too swift, your shade tree when the sun is beating down, and the roof over your head when it's raining" Awe! How cute, right?!
He seems super cute and sweet, too every time I tell him I'm seeing someone he finds a reason I shouldn't! I really don't understand, it's not like we can ever be together, he lives in Oklahoma. I live 15 hours away from him. He's my best friend, he knows everything about me that someone could possibly know, and I love him. I do, with all my heart, but I can't be with him. And even if we lived closer I'm not sure I would want to anyways. You know the saying "friend zoned" yeah that's him. He's more my brother than anything else and I would never date him.
The guy I do like on the other hand I would. Currently, as you can guess, no my best friend M doesn't like him, he hates him. But at least he has accepted that we will probably date. Oh well, here I go rambling on over and over and over and over again. Guess I'm done. I think if I remember anyways, I will leave you with a thought of the day.
Today's thought:
What makes a person wealthy? Is it how many nice things they have? The amount of money, cars, bedrooms in their house? Or is it something else? I may not have that much money, but I find myself the wealthiest person in the world.
Currently I am studying Criminal Justice and it is a pain in my butt! You would think now-a-days guys aren't such pigs and can understand that women can work in this field as well, but no! Half of the guys in my classes think that I belong in the kitchen! Are you kidding me?! The kitchen.. want to know a fun fact? All the knives are in the kitchen too! Sure I'll go there! They are sexist pigs, and I work my ass off to make sure that I get one of the highest grades on any test we have every single time!
Against mommy's wishes I am going to switch my major. I want to be a large animal vet, I have been thinking about switching majors pretty much since I started college. This will probably mean another 4 years or so on top of the almost two I've already done, but oh well. Life goes on. I wasn't going to cuz my mom is so against it, but I don't live my life to please that woman, and if I do I'll be the most miserable person in the world, I need to do this for me whether she likes it or not! At least my best friend is supportive. He told me he would support my decision no matter what it was. His exact words were "I'll be your rock when the water is too swift, your shade tree when the sun is beating down, and the roof over your head when it's raining" Awe! How cute, right?!
He seems super cute and sweet, too every time I tell him I'm seeing someone he finds a reason I shouldn't! I really don't understand, it's not like we can ever be together, he lives in Oklahoma. I live 15 hours away from him. He's my best friend, he knows everything about me that someone could possibly know, and I love him. I do, with all my heart, but I can't be with him. And even if we lived closer I'm not sure I would want to anyways. You know the saying "friend zoned" yeah that's him. He's more my brother than anything else and I would never date him.
The guy I do like on the other hand I would. Currently, as you can guess, no my best friend M doesn't like him, he hates him. But at least he has accepted that we will probably date. Oh well, here I go rambling on over and over and over and over again. Guess I'm done. I think if I remember anyways, I will leave you with a thought of the day.
Today's thought:
What makes a person wealthy? Is it how many nice things they have? The amount of money, cars, bedrooms in their house? Or is it something else? I may not have that much money, but I find myself the wealthiest person in the world.
Getting my feet wet
Never done this sort of thing before, but I don't have many friends, nor do I even have time for friends. Thought maybe this would be a good way to get out some of the things that I'm thinking. Maybe go back in the future and see how far I've come! I'm not sure if anyone will even follow me, but someone once told me "you write it, the will come." Who the hell even knows what that means? I sure don't! I don't really care either, that's something I should probably do, start caring more. Oh well, life goes on right? That's probably not the best attitude in the world to have, but w/e right? Guess this is a good start... I'm starting to ramble, it's kind of annoying.
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