Finally Happy?!

This past weekend has been one of the best weekends I've had in a long time and that scares me more than you can imagine! After everything I've been through in my past it scares me to think that I could finally be happy. I posted a Facebook status the other day that said, "Once in a while someone comes along and changes your life. Be it for better or worse they either make you stronger by loving you or leaving you. Everyone has a purpose for being in your life. Enjoy the time you have with them while you have it, you never know what tomorrow might bring!" And this scares idea scares me.

I spent the weekend with N and his family, I enjoyed every minute of it and for once I didn't feel hurt, or sad, or depressed, or angry. Just happiness. As I lay in bed on Sunday morning, listening to the birds in the trees outside and N breathing, feeling the sun on my face. A wave of fear washed over me. Why is this you may ask?? Because in the past I have learned that happiness for me anyways is shortly followed by sadness, a very strong and unbreakable sadness. One that leaves me laying in bed for days not wanting to get up or move or eat or even breathe. That's why a wave a complete terror and fear overcame me.

I rolled over and looked at N laying there sleeping. He's cute when he sleeps, looks just like a baby, a little boy that I would do anything in my power to protect. He looks so vulnerable when he sleeps. And as I watched him sleep a smile crept on my face. I like him, I like him a lot. I thought about my future and how I could imagine him in it, and how I realized the thought of him not being in my future upset me more than anything. Then I realized it, it's not that I am relying on N to make me happy, but I am happy with him. I feel safe, and wanted, and loved. All the things I never felt while I was with J.

Unintentionally, I have given N the power to hurt me and take away my happiness. I don't think he would ever do this to me, not on purpose anyways. If he does it will be an accident, but as I was laying in bed, scared that I had given this man the power to hurt me. That quote popped into my head. I never know what tomorrow may bring. So instead of waiting for him to hurt me, or expecting sadness to follow this happiness I feel, I am going to live in this moment. Every moment. And cherish everything about those moments. I will not let the fear of losing N or having him hurt me dictate how I spend the time that I do have with him. He was put in my life for a reason, and no matter why he is here, he has already changed my life more than he can even imagine. He has showed me how a man actually treats a woman. And for that I am forever grateful! 

Thought of the day:
Today's thought of a day is more of a question. I want y'all to think about the way you are living your life... in a moment things can change. It only takes a second for your life to be completely turned around. So why not live now, in the moment, as if its your last??