I'm not really sure what happened to me, I used to be such a people person.. not anymore.. I get so angry and have like zero tolerance for people these days. I feel so broken. I'm not sure if it's because I have all these trust issues so I am too afraid to get close to someone or what, but I sure am having a hard time with things these days.. I'm super glad that N came into my life.. he sure has changed the way I think about things.. I know I haven't know him for very long, but he's everything I've always wanted in a guy, and he understands me, and he doesn't push me, and when I say I don't wana talk about things he just says okay. He's what I need, but I'm not sure if that's a good thing. I don't know if I want to be with someone because I think I need them in my life.. Crazy as this sounds I could actually see sharing a future with him. I'm so old fashioned that way, I don't think it makes sense to date someone you couldn't imagine a future with. Why waste both of your time and then in the end both people get hurt.. doesn't make sense to me. I've always been like that, I don't want to have a bunch of boyfriends and I take my time to get to know someone before I date them. I have had only two serious boyfriends and one was abusive..
That just opens up a whole different can of worms, think I'll stay away from that one for now. I'm sure I'll sound like every other woman who has ever been beaten by her boyfriend/husband, we thought he would change, he loved us, he would never do it again. You've all heard those lines I'm sure, but it's true.. Anyways, back to where I was going, I want to be happy with myself and the way I am before I can make someone else happy. How can someone else love me when I don't even love myself? There are so many days I wish I was back on my medicine, some days I can't handle it and I just want to sit down and cry and cry and cry. I'm sick of being strong for everyone, and just once I want to say "I'm fine" and have someone give me a hug and say "no you're not, but it's going to be okay." Some days I just need someone to tell me I'm not okay but with a little help I will get through this. I wish I had the guts to tell this to N, and I wish more than anything M was talking to me so he could tell me everything would be okay. He may live fifteen hours away from me but he was always able to put a huge smile on my face!! It was wonderful, too bad he's mad at me and won't talk to me.. I guess I should stop rambling now, no one wants to read my pathetic shit. Oh well, I don't care, it feels good to get it out even if no one does read it.. Nice to finally get it off my chest..
Thought of the day:
Today my thought of the day is about distance and relationships.. my mom used to tell me absense makes the heart grow fonder. But someone else once told me out of sight out of mind. So which is it? This is my answer to that: Distance is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great.
Oooh, I love that last thought about distance... very true! I honestly think you are doing amazingly well for all you've been thru. Living through that kind of physical and emotional trauma for a period of years takes an incredible toll on a person, and healing doesn't happen in a month or a year, it will take a lifetime of learning and love to come to terms with it. The scars will remain forever. But they can serve as good reminders of where you never want to let your life end up again. Let things come naturally, you are right about needing to have your own head on straight, and heart strong before you give it away completely. But there is always room for those who care and want a chance to be close to you. Life is a risk, but one worth taking again, I promise!
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